Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Simian Snipers

"Gorilla Warfare"

Some of the funniest crap I've seen on the Internet so far...alleged 'reports' that the Taliban is training monkeys to fight US troops, and they are rewarded with bananas and peanuts for their services in liberation Afghanistan. Also, it's mentioned that it was 'inspired' by previous US attempts to train monkeys back in Vietnam...

The news report's in Mandarin, and I really do not think it was actually real news broadcasted over television networks. Also, it's using the traditional form of Chinese, so the video's most likely from Taiwan.

I guess animals have been routinely used by armed forces before, with Russian dogs strapped with bombs to destroy German tanks (failed btw, the dogs simply returned to their masters), and dolphins trained by the US Navy...and are perhaps best known for their appearance in C&C Red Alert 2.

But not all of this is just utterly bullcrap. Very interestingly, the US Navy does have a full-fledged and formerly classified animal training program called the US Navy Marine Animal Program, which deployed dolphins and sea lions to perform a variety of tasks...even during Operation Iraqi Freedom to scan for mines (which proved highly successful). As of 1990, 140 animals were under active deployment by the US Navy, but being an American organization...once it became de-classified and known to the public, it soon came under fire for its mistreatment of animals. However, the Navy maintains it keeps to strict standards in ensuring animal welfare.

Also (being in America), news reports were quick to speculate on dolphins being equipped with attack capabilities, and the best yet was: during Hurricane Katrina, a nearby US Navy facility was damaged, and the dolphins which escaped were equipped with poison dart guns to shoot divers resembling terrorists. The Navy's quick to point out that dolphins are prized for sonar capabilities, but do not differentiate between friend/foe...and even respond compassionately toward human distress, making them rather lousy naval killers.

Soviet Russia, also had a similar program that even developed parachutes for dolphins, since they can deploy much faster and longer than human divers. However, the Dolphin Division (as with most of Russia) fell onto hard times, sold most of their dolphins to aquariums overseas, and are even contracted to capture more dolphins for clients. Do note that the Russians did design a device for dolphins to 'bump' into transgressing divers (before returning back to base to warn the base), which clamps around the diver and can be remotely activated to send a lethal CO2 shot into the guy if attempts to capture him/get him to surrender do not succeed.

So I guess in CoD:MW2 we should have had dolphins at that incredibly awesome oil rig mission, starting off with dispatching soviet dolphins before boarding the oil rig and spilling some blood...which would make MW2 an even more controversial game than it already is.


  1. This is one ridiculous report on the Military tactics by the Afghans! Either that, or these chinese news report is unfounded.

    HAHA I mean it isn't impossible, but HIGHLY unlikely that monkeys would do ur bidding especially if it is gonna get them killed.

    As for the dolphin thing, HAHAH didn't they have that in some ridiculous command and conquer red alert game? I do not remember which C&C game but I literally closed my mind on any C&C game after Westwood.

    Real Hilarious though Joshua.

  2. LMAO!!..
    Josh, all I can say is this.
    Dolphins for the win!

    And yeah I do recall that Red Alert had a dolphin unit. But I am sure they couldn't do much. :/

  3. Its been forever since I have check the blog out. And it is wonderful to have to laugh at such funny hilarious stuff that is this post.

    Dolphin and Monkey fighters. I laughed my ass off on the CGI reenactment on how the Taliban are training monkeys. Ne it true or not, it is hilarious to a certain extent.

  4. Dolphins appeared in C&C Red Alert 2, able to detect underwater units, bypass ships, and attack with sonic waves (btw, science doesn't allow that to happen since water is very dense vs. air).

    Speaking of the giant squids, they could catch a ship, trap it and destroy it over time...and use their bodies to bash underwater units.

    I know Red Alert 3 has Russian bears, which could kill infantry, sniff out spies, and stun with ampliefiers attached onto them.

  5. Ahh. The power of animals Epitomised in most ridiculous fashion by Red Alert 3. I preferred the traditional animal unit that is the guarddog in red alert 1. No bullshit straight up kill with deadly precision.
    And it is realistic too. GermanSheperd for the win.